End of Exams, but i dun feel any joy at all...

hmm... been a long time since i last wrote... well.. basic update

1) exam finish
2) no much free time cuz too much training
3) just broke up with girl friend

well, exam just finished on friday, yet i dun feel any joy at all... cuz it is also the day i broke up with Jennifer... I initiated the break up... for many reasons that i do not want to publish.. some are make known, some are not... well... to me perhaps.. it seemed the best outcome i shd have gotten... i feel sad that i have to break her heart.. sadder by the loss... but maybe it is not love.. just a longing for something lost... that i do not know.. but i do not want to think about it either...
i try to forget it but i feel miserable for some unknown reasons.. despite the fact that she want us to remain as close frenz or even become my mei... but i cannot take it.. most likely i will reject that... i guess i need time to cool off.. to not see her at all... it makes me better perhaps.. well.. i should look out the lap top for her.. the rest.. i guess i will have to reject her.. i think i can't cool off if we keep seeing each other... and i think it is absolutely natural... sigh... hope she will understand.. if she can't, there is nothing i can do either... i do not want to live in the shadow of my misgivings...

Well.. another issue is with training.. sigh... holiday just start and i already receive "invitation" for training..(1) monday tuesday hall training for chinese chess, (2)wednesday thursday hall training for international chess. (3) tuesday, wednesday friday for IVP chinese chess training...
plus a competition on 17th and 18th december (saturday sunday!!!!) gosh... i am so sianz.... but i guess it is good as well.. at least i wun think abt the relationship much.. and perhaps it will give me genuine excuses to not go out with Jennifer... sigh...

Just now was even worse.... she came over to my hall to use my com... i dunno why.. the more i see her the worse i feel.. it is a mixture of guilt, frustration, irritation and some unknown feeling... sigh.. what shd i do???

well i just sms her telling her how i feel... i will just look out for the lappie for her.. the rest... wait until time heals our wound... argh... i think i am losing it... *crack*... okie.. i lost it.... hmm.. *uncrack*... okie.. now it is on the verge of cracking again.. so dun push it anymore... x_X

well... today oso went to play mahjong with Kaisiong, Germaine and Kelvin... (KS cousin).. i did not realise i won so much.. i feel so bad to take the money from Germaine... sigh... mahjong play 10cent 20cent i won 50 bucks...... i guess the world is fair in some way ba.... sigh... must find someway to make it up to germaine... sigh.. first time win so much.. and i feel so bad taking money from a fren... zzzz.... kelvin oso... (ok la, at least he still owe me 6 bucks.. i dun collect all at least dun feel so bad... >.<)