finally understand wat the feeling is, altho i still dono wat is bothering me...

after several weeks, say.. abt 2 or 3? i finally managed to "pinpoint" what the moody feeling is.. it is something, somewhere between lonely and isolated, however, the feeling is neither, sounds kinda chim but tat is perhaps the best way to describe how i feel and has been feeling.

But then, despite knowing this, i dono wat is the cause, altho i have some speculation... most probably due to some background issues, ahaha no wonder human need love... one form or another... despite the fact tat one form of love cannot displace and/or replace another, when u have one, u tends to be less needy on the other... (of cuz, there is more than 2 kind of love, but i am juz using 2 for the ease of explanation)

speaking of which, i realise, when u have none, or u perceive u have none, then big problem sets in... depression, constant moodiness, blah blah blah all comes in.. and most probably self pity too.. which is bad..

talking abt self pity, a fren once said... animals dun wallow in self pity.. they are onli aware of their weakness and disadvantage but not feeling helpless (and wants the whole world to pity them). They continue to fight for survival despite their disadvantage and seldom do we see them give up. [ok, my fren din say all these, he only said animals dun wallow in self pity, the rest are wat i made out of it] This is why i feel that human should not self pity, showing pity for others is already not very desirable (i believe in helping others to live better by teaching them how to, not doing it for them, unless in extreme cases) let alone pitying oneself. My bro told me some self pity is perhaps necessary to tell us our shortcomings or weakness, perhaps tat's true, but self awareness is what is needed, not pity.. wallowing in pity has almost no (at least none i can think of) advantages, and the sad thing is, i keep seeing ppl doing that.. I used to be very sympathetic to such ppl, but as time goes by, i become quite put off by it.. how can one person juz get "engross" in a sea of self pity and hope that things get better with no input from themselves? why do they simply refuse to see? i understand it is hard, but life is harsh... and pitying oneself doesnt makes it any better..

As a result, i refrain myself from doing tat, it is not easy, as i have been having impulses to juz stop striving and let things take their own course, but when i clear my mind, i realise it shd not, and shall never be the way.. i noe i am in a shitty position in life, and i believe only my bro will understand as he went thru the same shit 4 years b4 me.. i doubt many ppl will fear for their life at the age of 22 (which is my age) but in actual fact i do... i noe i cant die in the foreseeable next 5years or so.. else the situation in my family, etc will get even worse.. and the mindset of both my parents shown when they converse and communicate to my bro is not making this any better... think i might break if i dun find an avenue for easing this pressure.. (tho i dun think it is anytime soon but...)

ah... better dun think so much... think more, worry more, stress more, ki siao sooner >.<

Life sux, but it can be made better if I try.. yeah... if i dun break first =X