a note to a fren... whom i believe frequents my blog..

well, i believe u tell me abt ur current issues on a guy and his gf and u...

wat i really want to say is.. sometimes it is good to step back and let them have a chance to flourish.. but u have to consider.. is this the best way out? of cuz u might say yes if they worked out.. but have u considered.. wat if u 2 can work out as well? the chance of them working out is as good as the chance of the 2 of u working out.. (i mean there might be some difference but it doesnt realli matter) if tat is the case why put urself outside the picture.. will u feel happy if by letting the 2 of them together u end up hurting him more cuz of the increasing problems the rs brings him? will u regret u din do wat u wanted to do initially? well i had experience b4.. and tho i do not want to say my experience is absolute, wat i wan to say is that, becuz there is no absolute things in an rs.. u shd not assume anything...

i wanted to touch on the most sensitive topic.. tat is.. i believe there is no such things as selfishness in wanting to be with the guy u like... if u think by letting him go back to his ex (or gf, or watever) is a selfless action, i agree.. but i feel tat it is more stupid than selfless... emotions and love related stuff sometimes shd not be analysed so systematically (altho i do tat)... for me, i analyse them systematically, but i do not use systematic ways to decide my actions.. and to me, analysing systematically helps me to get a balance between being too rational and being too emotional...

anyway.. i juz wan u to noe there is nothign wrong in trying to get to know him better and let him noe u better and let him noe (for certain, not by guessing) that u likes him... if u still persist in ur own thinking, well at least do the above stuff to give him a chance to noe wat are the choices he has... i told u b4.. guessing someone likes u and knowing someone likes u are veri different.. it also affects how u make decisions.. some guys, not all, are afraid of rejection.. and as a result, there might be a possibility tat if he dunno ur feelings for him, he might take it u are not interested in him at all (juz to be safe) and remain in his comfort zone.

And b4 u start to think abt "as long as he is happy", u better stop.. there is nothing tat shows he will be happier or wat.. unless u are veri sure he WILL be happier if he chooses someting, else.. dun assume... well i can go on and on and on, but the more i say, the more i am proned to get shoot.. so i better stop here... u shd think abt it too...

心烦也好，不烦也好，无论如何， things still needs to be done...

hmm, 心情始终不怎么好，但是，心烦，心痛， etc, 都好， 如果我不认真做我因做的是。。。 我会越来越糟。。 问题也会越来越多。。。

anyway, i shd try to separate and segregate my feelings and my work.. i mean, nowadays, everyday i wake up with a rather heavy heart.. tat's y i seldom get to rest very well... but at least everyday i wake up i noe i am doing the right thing... so i dun need to worry abt regretting later abt not doing things when i shd be doing... but still... i realli hope things will work out soon (and in a way i hope it is to be) as the longer this goes, the more damage it does to everyone...

recently havent have much mood to do my work, lucky for me, this sem work mostly involve project work.. and not those tat need to study alot.. i mean, yes, i am laggin in terms of lectures but it isnt as bad as last time... but i feel a bit bad recently as my input for project has decreased significantly..

well, i dun mean i am not doing anything, in fact my performance i believe is still acceptable, juz nothing to write home about.

mmm moral of the story? sometimes in order to do the things u consider is right, u have to sacrifice alot.. even at the cost of losing everything in the end... well, i have considered this, and have willingly jump into the "pit"... i dun wan to regret again.. i dun wan to see someone i love suffer and i dun wan to be passive like last time anymore...

read somewhere... think is with regards to the Hitler movie... "Evil truimphs becuz the Good does nothing about it...“（or something similar)

Apathy leads to a lot of problems... i always loathe ppl who are apathetic, but i realise, i am the same sometimes... and in those veri impt issues.. so yup.. i am not gg to be liddat anymore... sometimes not doing anything is as bad as (if not worse) than doing the wrong things...

interesting stuff on cows and economics.. haha

well came across this from my bro's blog, which i believe was from Sarong Party Girl's blog (at http://www.missizzy.org/). Heh sorry i dono how to link post....

anyway, here's how it goes...

********

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away…
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….
SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder. He sells the rights to all 7 cows’ milk back to the listed company, and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.
NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
SINGAPOREAN CIVIL SERVICE:
You have two cows. You scold each one everyday before and after milking. You teach one of them to scold the other. You instruct them to moo only on command.
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

********

yeah... in case anyone is interested.. ya. i still feeling quite unstable oso..the kinda feeling i am having is veri weird, veri rojak.. veri messy and veri luan..

>.<

to be a pillar of support..

hmm, was starting to feel better today, actually ytd nite.. appetite slowly coming back to me... this is perhaps because of the recent turn of events.. well, i am feeling happy yet very worried now... happy becuz things turn out to be something i have wished for.. but worried now for her as she is now going thru an extremely stressful period... it is like as the stress on me slowly alleviate and dissipate, hers increases quickly... I must do my best now, i mus and will be there for her when she need it, especially i think now.. as things are veri ... volatile now.. i wan to buffer and cushion as much as possible the hardship she is undoubtedly experiencing now and in the future.. and realise the wish of making her as happy as possible...

我心意已决。。。 拖泥带水只会带来更多的痛苦给心爱的人和自己而已。。

yes yes, i noe i am long winded.. and i take super damn long to come up with a decision so simple tat everyone will laff their heads off.... duh...

anyway, this time, it is no longer anyone's point of view or advice, this has become MY point of view, my decision for this situation... i will not 优柔寡断，犹豫不决，anymore.. certain things cannot and shd not wait.. i always thought waiting for things to follow it's natural course is the best case.. but after so much thinking.. i think, this time it shd not be the case... the longer i remain indecisive, the more damage is created.. and i think the more suffering i am creating for the girl... so rather than decide whether i shd go on anot and wait for things to happen, i decided tat i shd go on and do my best to create the best possible scenario to make her as happy as possible... and also to show watever support i could ... as well as to show wat i am actually capable of doing...

perhaps sometimes in order to make someone happy, one needs to be a bad person for the greater good to be achieved... so i intend to be the bad person.. and i sincerely hope tat my judgement is correct... and tat the final good tat is achieved will be well worth the sacrifices...

despite saying all this, it onli shows tat i am veri firm in my resolve, but in terms of carrying out.. it is another issue... no choice.. everything have to depend on my 感觉。。。 hope my intuition is as good as b4...

confused?

hmm, actually these few days i keep saying tat i am feeling weird.. this is juz a convenient way of saying it.. actually i am feeling rather confused and kinda having the 进退两难 feeling。。。

well confused as in i dunno how i am to look at the issue now.. and since i cannot rightly say wat kinda rs i am in now.. i cannot decide what i could and should do.. on the other hand, sometimes i question whether wat i am doing is enuf, and at the other hand.. am i overdoing it? haiz.. dun realli know.. and i really quite troubled by it.. -_-... this is bad.. veri bad.. worry by not doing anything, chance of a lifetime (okok, meebe abit exaggerated) will slip away.. do too much scared later create too much stress and trouble on the girl... argh...

and there is still the prob of my recent poor appetite issue.. i realli need to resolve that.. i can feel i am getting a bit weaker these days.. it's true i do see some of the fats arnd my tummy and butt starting to reduce abit.. but.. that's not the way to slim down.. and i din do tat to slim down.. guess perhaps i shd visit a doc one of these days to get some 开胃药 or something.. and perhaps it is matters of the heart tat is causing me this.. who noes..? i dono... mmm

this is... some 难以形容地感觉。。。 haiz.....

so tired (part 2)

kaoz.. ytd veri tired when come back from jp... dunno why.... talk talk talk end up nt tat tired.. end up.... CANNOT SLEEP... wah piang.. is those kind of loss of slp tat i get during exams lor... wa lau... this is too much... argh... how am i going to finish 2004 today! >.<... ok no finish, no buy fone...!

so tired...

hmm today dono why super tired... monring 0930 met my fren at design office 2 discuss 1 of my project.. discuss until arnd 11 liddat, went library K my mp3104 from 11+ till 4+, den went for lecture, wanted to go there slack, end up see my fren txtbook, den read it thru the lect.. den after tat lect, went to library K my mp3104 again, until 6+.. den met KS at JP for dinner...

initially wanna buy 6280 de, handphone i mean, but ks say old model.. haha plus i need to go hello shop change my ione plus to student ioneplus, end up never buy =(... den saw the mp3 players.. most quite chui.. and quite exp... haha... now dono how le..

and i think recently something wrong with me.. my appetite has been extremely bad... 1 day 1 meal oso not much kick.. and these few days.. haven been getting veri energising slp.. it is like... i slp for 6-7hrs, but i woke up still feel like never slp liddat.. haiz.. think if this goes on muz see doctor le.. but...

心病只有心药医？

哈哈我也不知道要怎么办了。。。

顺其自然就好。。。

hmmm think so much end up like never think liddat.. my final verdict

顺其自然，随机应变。。。
and keep the options for such development open...

heh.. veri rubbish hor, haha..

but i realli veri drained.. family.. studies.. and even now love.. and of cuz.. financial issues.. liddat.. i am realli asking to die earlier.. but think at least ok la.. i feeling i am feeling more normal these few days.. altho i realli do hope something nice will happen in my life.. haha

连我的老爸都叫我敢敢去追。。。

hmm, juz now had dinner with my dad and bro.. sort of told him my prob... to my surprise, his reaction almost similar to KS... and alot of my frenz..

oh, i was referring to the issue where i like a girl who is attached... well, his pt of view, as with many is that, as long as i dun resort to underhand means like defaming and stuff liddat... going after an attached girl is actually okie.. in fact, to some extend, it actually benefits the girl. He listed out tat especially when there is something wrong with their relationship (which will always be present), being a "3rd" party is actually some sort of a choice for the girl to choose. In an even more weird angle, (as ks and some frenz said too) u might actually be helping her by starting an rs and ending the previous one ... well.. there are more, but wat they say is obvious enuf.. juz go for it.. all is fair in love and war eh...

but despite so.. i still have my own reservations.... i will give it due thoughts tonite and decide my course of action... but actually i think nothing much to think la, even now i am actually trying to get to noe her better and getting closer to her.. so in another way, wat is there to decide? but i still can't bear the thought of being the catalyst for ppl breaking up.. in some way, u can say i am actually pitying my enemies, i worried abt the guy oso..

objectively speaking, i need to noe the actual situation b4 i can decide wat to do.. if i think (objectively) tat i can do better (altho this is super duper hard to judge)... den.. perhaps i will go after her ba... perhaps..

被一阵心寒的风叫醒。。。

所谓日有所思，夜有所梦。。。 看样子我一定也是如此。。。 今天一大清早就被一个梦叫醒， 梦的内容我不想在提， 可是可想而知，一定是有关我最近心烦的事情。。

嗨。。。 为何我如此不争气呢。。。? 我看，如果在这样下去，我早晚崩溃。。。可是我也有点无法自拔。。。 该如何是好呢？？

(wah cannot take it... 4 lines of chinese i take like... 5mins to write.. -_-)

我已经相当尽力了， 可是心一直跟我的大脑对抗。。。 感觉十分不舒服。。。 脑袋叫我振作，心里却一直给我一种掩盖着的痛， 弄得我想要振作都无法完全做到。。。嗨。。。

心里有烦， 身体头脑都累了，自己挖的洞，自己跳进去，自己把自己埋起来， 活该现在这么痛苦。。。

a veri thought inducing bulletin

taken from: http://www.friendster.com/bulletin.php?statpos=bulletintable&bid=96852133&uid=16252809

my friendster fren Wei Siong's bulletin. Find it very very meaningful.. haha

here goes:

- start of bulletin -

Sometimes, developing spiritually and learning more about ourselves and the world requires that we first "un-learn" some lessons of the past. We often get taught very powerful yet incorrect lessonsas we go through life.

Most parents would never hurt their kids but theyoften inadvertently do, by implanting debilitating messages - that who we are, what we do isn't good enough, that imperfection is not acceptable, that to be praised, to be loved, to be rewarded, we must be smart, good looking, rich, popular and respected. How many times have you seen aparent screaming to a child that he's careless, lazy, selfish or stupid? Will the child grow up to aself-affirming adult? Or will his sense of self-worth be affected?

Throughout our lives, we've been taught the value of pursuing perfection. That has led us to believe intrinsically that imperfection is wrong, that it'sincomplete, it's broken, it's bad. That we, andeverything else, always needs fixing.

A Sanskrit mantra roughly translates into: This isperfect. That is perfect. From the perfect, comes the perfect. If from the perfect the perfect is taken away, only the perfect remains.

Peace of mind comes from the realization that we're all perfect, that everything is perfect. Such is the sense of perfection we get when holding a baby, when making our partners laugh, when slaking our thirst with cool water, when looking at trees, when swaying to music, when inhaling thesalty breath of the sea. The miracle of Life, the beauty of Nature, the promise of renewal.

This sense of perfection is our greatest blessing.It's present at all times and doesn't require any healing or change to take place. You only have to open your eyes and notice what is, rather than trying to correct what you believe is wrong. In Japanese flower arranging it is common that one of the branches in the arrangement is bent or broken, to signify that the arranger has attempted to present the flowers in a "natural" state. It is the "imperfection" of the broken branch that makes it "perfect", or closer to what naturally is.

Each one of us, no matter how evolved we might believe ourselves to be, has imperfections and personal ego attachments. These imperfections and attachments are not something to be overcome or transcended, but rather something to be understood, appreciated, and accepted.Embrace who you are wholeheartedly.

- end of bulletin -

Indeed, i was thinking of this issue recently oso, especially cuz i was told of a problem, a girl reject a guy cuz she think she isnt good enuf for him. Well.. i used to have this problem.. thinking i am too imperfect.. but as times goes by, i realise, these so called imperfection are actually juz differences and not imperfection. In fact, it is these differences tat make us who we are, and especially when it comes to relationship. I dun think they is such a thing call i am better than him/her, that's y that person will definitely pick me over him/her. Although subconsciously i believe alot of ppl fall into this self dug hole.. (me included) i strongly feel that in love, such things are secondary... as i always think feelings, (fear, happiness, love, hate) tends to be and can be irrational, illogical.. they do not always conform to reason, so we shd not use reason to explain it...

i am not saying all feelings (all forms of happiness sadness, etc) are irrational, i am juz saying that not ALL of them are rational thoughts... eg, why are some ppl afraid of roaches? why do some ppl feel happy juz standing on an open grass patch in a cool afternoon? why do some ppl feel sad when someone totally non related to u dies? these may or may not happen to u, but it does happen to people after all..

anyway, if someone who thinks they are not good enuf for anything happens to read this.. noe this.. there is no absolute perfection, and ur strong pt maybe ppl's weak pt and vice versa... look at the big picture.. it helps..

And using the "reading" above, i inferred that there is no perfection without imperfection... and becuz of imperfection, human strive to do better, often forgetting that "imperfections" are not necessary bad... wat is bad is human's thinking and attachement of meaning to it... and not "perfection and imperfection" themselves..

haha i think i am becoming not veri concise.. i shall stop here and let u all tink on ur own...

p.s. my own comments are not base on the bulletin my fren post, they might represent 2 kinda of thinking, it is juz that his post make me think of this more and pen it down..

lol.. this is fun.. haha

well, over the pass couple of days, i have been seeing money on the floor but din picked them up... i saw 2 times 5cents on the floor on thurs, on fri i saw 2 times 10ct, in all 4 occasions i din picked them up.. den cuz send a fren home back on friday nite, and had to walkd back to ntu hall cuz i was not able to get the last bus.. i found 15bucks on the floor on my way back.. haha... kinda interesting.. this is not all, when i told my bro tat, he told me something more stunning, he oso found 20bucks on the floor on the same day as me.. haha interesting stuff...

hope this is a sign of good things to come... =).. think i tmr shd heed my fren's advice and go buy 4d.. haha

Jedi Code

lol, in case i forget... kinda like the feel of the jedi code..

There is no emotion; There is peace.
There is no ignorance; There is knowledge.
There is no passion; There is serenity.
There is no death; There is the Force.

hmmm, juz a piece of my mind..

well, for all those who genuinely worried for me.. sorrie to make all of u worrie.. i guess i am being too emotional... and perhaps i let it out without restrain, but it doesnt matter.. i have sort of come to terms with it...

since there is nothing i can do.. i aint going to do anything destructive, juz be a fren and see how things goes... of cuz my heart still aches when i think of it.. but then, certain things tat needs to be done has to be done right... and sorrie for my pathetic and non excusable performance over the past week.. missing lessons, not studying for quiz, ill prepared for project, presentations, not talking much, rather withdrawn, etc.. yeah.. i noe wat's happening, juz tat i can't be bothered...

now i think i am slightly in better ctrl.. i hope... well.. this sem is not going to be ez, and my life have never been smooth sailing.. perhaps that which doesn't kills (or breaks) me will only serves to make me stronger... Hope i do become stronger...

darn.. now listening to one of the 9.33 ying yue ri ji.. suddenly hear something like.. "wanna like someone but cant...".. suddenly gimme a veri emotional jolt into my heart.. heh.. guess i aint really that well yet.. but i shall try my best not to disrupt anything arnd me..

irony, irony, wat an irony...

here i am, sad due to a "someone", one of my fren is becoming sad becuz i am feeling sad and tat she cant console me.. and now while still feeling rather sad, i need to think abt how to prevent this 2nd person from feeling sad... wth... why is this kinda shit happening to me... -_-... as if some special entity think the current events happening to me is not enuf to break me, and want to incrase the intensity to test me...
wow.. undesirable family life + undesirable acad condition + undesirable love life = 3 hit combo on me.. nothing to fall back on.. nothing to look forward to.. wow.. this is really a challenge... events must be trying to turn me into iron.. no... Titanium Man... -_-

mindless ramblings

Am i feeling sad juz because i subconciously wan to feel sad? and tat i subconciously is very sick and tired of the kinda life i am having? i find myself veri inhuman to try to understand my own feeling at a time like this... i am starting to question my heart why it feels the way it feels...

my mind controls how i think, my thoughts controls how i act, my action dictates how i might feel... my heart control my impulses, my impulses also controls my action, and my action again controls and affects my feelings... when mind and heart works together.. they create miracles, when they work against each other, it tears u apart...

my mind is telling me the right things, my heart is refusing to hear things, my actions despite follows my mind, is actually adding stress to my heart, my heart continues to feel the way it felt, my mind continue telling me the right things, my body continue to hang in the balance, thinking which one to follow...

duh... they dun make sense, esp now tat i re-read them.. wat am i rambling about?

tomorrow sociology quiz, until now i haven do anything, i cant seems to settle down to start reading.. nor can i settle down to think abt social issues, cultures, globalisation, hybridisation, cosmopolitan... etc...

i tot i would have learn to not commit so easily, too bad i tot wrongly.. basically, if u dig urself a hole, u jump in, and u bury urself in, it is absolutely normal for u to die... so there is no need to question why u would have died... duh... bleh.. blah.. blooo.. la.le.lo.lu.li...

mixed feeling

rather close call, she nearly wanted to see my blog..
altho on impulse i would like her to see it to noe how i feel, but on the other hand, it wun serve any purpose other than make her feel worse ba...

duh... why am i even saying this? =_=

Why does it hurt so much even though nothing has ever happened between us?

(This is perhaps the first time I actually plan my entry before writing)

Well, I am feeling very weird now... awful is not exactly a right word.. What I am feeling now is something like... my heart is wrenched, sprinkled with something like disappointment and sadness... Why am I feeling like that? I have never ever in my life experience something that bad, that drastic and that sudden... Why am i feeling so even though we barely know each other for very long?

All I know thus far is that I thought I have found the one... the Miss Right... and as i got to know her better, i am more convinced that is so... but I just realise that she was attached. We had a rather heart to heart talk today... got to know a bit more about her and was happy to be able to have such a chat... sent her home after that, as it was rather late.... was feeling okay all the way until i was on my way back... a sudden rush of pain (not exactly physical) mixed with longing, disappointment and sadness jolt up my being... suddenly feel very lost... I know I am not supposed to be like this, since when did i turn into like this.... apparently not only have i become dull in my senses, i am becoming emotionally weaker as well.. is the constant problems i am facing taking its tolls on me? I do not know, i hope not though..

Anyway, despite feeling so, i promised myself that i will not (and never) become a third party. Maybe it is kinda stupid but i will try my best to help and give objective advice to her so that she can become happier... i have done similar things before, i believe i can do it again... (although previously i wasnt having such an intense emotional experience). Call me stupid, call me anything.. I do what i think is correct, i do what i think i wouldn't regret, i do what i think will be the best course of action for her... I think, I dun feel (as opposed to last time)...

I can't hope for anything right now. Both way is bad for me... I can't possibly hope that they will break up, neither can i hope that they will stay happily together forever. The first one questions the entire system of principles and morals i hold myself accountable to, the 2nd is totally a self damaging and sacrificing kind of mindset. I am no saint, i cant wish the 2nd one like what they do in the movies, all i can do now is let time do its work, let nature takes its course and see what
happens.

Sincerely hope that perhaps there is hope for me, else i really should go become monk le... maybe .. maybe...

sigh.. i have hope to make myself feel better by blogging everything out.. but it seems it didnt... sigh... argh...

darn.. i am losing touch....!

sigh.. how to tell if a person is interested in u anot...?
how long and how much to know a person b4 popping the semi million dollar question of getting into a relationship?

i no longer know, and no longer can feel it.. last time meebe more sensitive, this kinda things comes more easily..
now.. i really cant tell if she is even vaguely interested anot.. neither do i noe how much to noe of each other b4 committing... how much is enuf? dun wanna hurt ppl.. dun wanna make life difficult for anyone oso.. >.<... sigh...

past experience of mine and others tell me that usually in a failed attempt of "courtship".. the awkwardness arising from it is enuf to make 2 person who are originally good fren to become mere acquaintance... and i dun wan tat to happen... sigh.... this is some difficult...

argh.. why have my sense become so dull? or issit my current case is not easily assessable?
*sigh*....

surprising how one person can brighten up my day..

heh, been feeling quite good since friday, until perhaps sunday... which i feel is mainly accredited to one person, not to say i feel good cuz of her actions alone, but no doubt it plays a rather impt role i believe, heh..

makes me wonder how come 1 person can brighten my day so much.. guess she dono tho, haha or meebe she noe, well, i DONO.. LOL... as in i dono whether she noe or dono...

anyway... the good feeling ended today.. when i came in touch to the "harsh" reality...

i have... 3 outstanding core project and 1 lab project to finish by october.. best part is.. 3 of them are my core module.. cannot siao siao..

the worst part is, for one of the project, which involved CAD/CAM, we are supposed to work in pairs.. my this partner is atrocious.. today is 11 Sept.. Week 6... and well.. HE HAS YET TO DO ANYTHING... NOT CONTRIBUTED ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT... NO SENSE OF COMMITTMENT OR URGENCY TO GET THE WORK DONE...

HENCE I HAVE PROVIDE HIM WITH AN ULTIMATUM EMAIL, (DOUBT HE REALISE THO), HIS ACTION FOR THIS EMAIL WILL DETERMINE MINE, IF HE REMAIN LIKE THE ARSE HE IS.. I AM GONNA COMPLAIN TO THE LECTURER AND ASK FOR SOLO PROJECT.. I RATHER DO ALONE AND DO MORE THAN SHARE MY MARKS WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOTHING.. NOT TO MENTION I DUN EVEN NOE HIM TAT WELL...

ah... *regaining composure*... ah... meebe a bit too heated up.. but if this goes on, my mp3005 no need get A le.. this sem aim of all As is not merely a joke, it is something i need and wants to achieve...!

hmm bdae

heh ytd was my bdae in case anyone din realise... well.. din do much, was doing some work in the morning, noon time meet ks for a swim, haha den went back home arnd 2+...

had a few game of chess, and then return home... in the evening arnd 5, set off to harbour front to have our dinner.. more makeup for my mum bdae than for mine, but nonetheless, free food.. haha

had the dinner at noodle hut, juz beside sakae sushi, the food is alright, haha pretty nice, except the shrimp dumplings, which were kinda overcooked....well after tat initially wanted to go back hall prepare quiz de, end up went to watch movie with my bro and mum.. Singapore Dreaming, a seemingly simple show with a more serious tone if u look at it closer.. haha

well in a nut shell, it juz shows the family struggle of the various member of the Loh family, how they each struggle with their own financial problem, career, dreams, etc.. dun wanna go into tat.... but the main thing if u are watching is perhaps, u can ask this question...

is the dream they are so frantically chasing something that they actually want themselves? or issit something that has been imposed to them for so long that it become their second nature? Why did this happen? When did this happen? How did this happen? Now that u have a new understanding, what are you going to do about it? and so on...

well for those who juz wan a easy show, perhaps u can amuse urself with the vastly hokkien conversation, which is kinda amusing to some of them.. i even hear ppl laffing when the characters are crying -_-

however, i realli hope this show can break even, if i am not wrong, the show opened on 7th Sept, i watched on 10 sept (sunday) and the entire cinema is only occupied by 13 viewers, including me, my bro and my mum.. so u can see how bad this is...

always do the right thing?

sianz, recently and in fact all along, keep hearing ppl say.. do the right thing.. always do the right thing.. etc etc..

damn it.. what is right? i still feel tat doing the right thing at the wrong time is still wrong, and there are times where there is no "right" things to be done at the "right" time... who determine what is right and wrong, who dictates when is the right time.. if there is no such determination and dictation, how are we supposed to argue what is right and wat is wrong.. i can go on and on forever on this.. but i guess the main point is sent thru aredi... the right and wrong is subjective and since there is no absolute right and wrong, we shd never try to act as if there is...

update: the cat went off again, and it came back again.. how ah?

update.

heh.. now it is making itself comfy on my.. BED.. haha i gonna get some warm water to clean it up.. else later my bed become dirty -_-.. meebe i shd use some dettol.. heh heh....

omg, a small cat

mmm today saw a small lil cat in the pantry when i was cooking.. on closer examination.. it was the same small cat tat i saw during interwing games... damnit.. those ppl who brought it here is damn inconsiderate.... anyhow dump it.. when i found it.. it was like weak from hunger liddat.. and super scared.. had to coax it and bring it back to my room to feed it.. kinda cute.. lucky it is aredi at least 3 months old.. can eat biscuit.. else i muz go get the milk powder for it.. which cost a bomb.. anyway.. now kinda at a loss.. if i let it off, it is unlikely to survive, but if i keep it.. i am in deep shit.. haiz.. how ah?

think i upload a few pic of it and see got anyone interested to adopt it anot =X

hmmm i wan a phone like N73

lol.. think the next thing i wanna get is a phone, and since i wanna get a mp3 player and a decent camera, was thinking i shd make it all in one, esp after i see the pic from mrbrown blog. I think nokia N73 fits the bill nicely, with extendable memory of up to 2gig i think, mp3 player, 3.2megapixel camera, and of cuz, a decent and pretty nice looking fone in its own right... aha wonderful.. too bad... the price tag oso kinda high... even with my upgrading after 21 months, i still need to pay like 598bucks -_-.. and my budget for phone is onli 100bucks + trading in my older phone (at most worth 50bucks)... >.<... let's hope i can find a decent phone with extended memory and mp3 player.. haha else meebe need to get the 2 separately le.. den get those china brand mp3 player, damn freaking cheap.. lol

today's a good day...

well, today was kinda a good day for me.. well... altho i woke up late cuz of the late nite chess selection ytd, i still managed to attend 1 tutorial. That's not impt tho, the impt thing is today a rather special fren visited my hall today, had a great time chatting and perhaps disturbing (and hitting her head.. wahahaha) with her... at least i managed to do something not veri mentally exhausting from arnd 1430 - 1900, and during the 2nd round of the chess selection, i obtain the same result as ytd.. haha 2 draw 1 win, but then, today my oponents are generally better.. so feel kinda lucky to have this kinda results.. well.. the final score for me.. 2win, 4draws.. and somehow managed to get into the school team cuz my opponents are amongst the top... so lucky me.. free jacket and tshirt le wor.. SONG~... haha

*happie*
but then, tmr gonna be hell, sunday too.. damn it... thurs and fri din do anything cuz of the selection.. >.<... this is going to be soooo sooo jialat...

clarification

in my previous post on hypothetical question, all the situations, terms, characteristic, etc are all based on my personal understanding, so it is my part of the "Truth", it may or may not be the entire or actual "truth", so take that with a pinch of salt (as shd be done in all cases)...

some things can be ignored, some cant....

recently got fren tell me i shd not think abt the problems so much.. think more, more xinku.. dun think, no xinku...

haha i appreciate their gesture, however, some things can be ignored, while others u cant. oh well, maybe u can, but by ignoring it (attributing to apathy) u are actually allowing the situation to worsen.. although thinking abt it all the time is harmful to ur mental health, but sometimes it is not easy to juz push them away, they happen to something/someone close to u.. kinda hard to shrug it off completely... ya?

well, i hope things are getting better, sadly now i can onli wait and see as things unfold.. trying to alter the course thru more subtle means, (which perhaps i am better at) as and when they happen.. haha good luck to myself eh.. lalala

why wait for others to buy present for u?

heh, today went to JP, wanted only to buy the FIR new album, been eyein it quite long, until a fren send me some of the songs, found them rather nice and decided to go buy it. =x... anyway, end up i go there, i saw the world of sports offer, pre renovation discount or something, so went in to look look.. running shoes are kinda limited, arnd 10-15design for each brand (nike,mizuno,adidas, etc) after looking for quite sometime, decided on a pair of blue nike shoes, but too bad it was damaged and they have no replacement.. lol.. so i pick a mizuno one, this one best, dun have my size T_T.. the 3rd one i pick seems to be a lucky pick, cuz i think is new model, or so the sales assistant told me, and i managed to get a desirable one.. haha

well, didnt want to spend so much de, esp since my this month onwards allowance seems bleak as there might be a reduction (highly likely) but dun care le la, rather than wait for ppl to gimme on my bdae, i think i shd go reward myself.. haha.. but 1 day spend 100bucks is not veri shuang.. heart a bit pain >.<....

argh.. having a headache, going off to take a bath and rest le.. X_X

hypothetical question

character 1 - mother

traits - (negative only, positive one added only if necessary)
1. insecured feeling
2. worries children will not take care of her when they grow up(esp older one)
3. tends to view immediate problems and not long term issues
4. due to insecure feeling, separates herself and her children as 2 different "faction" - where the children faction is constantly out to scam her, and that she needs to fend for herself
5. likes to look down or make comments to bring down the elder son

character 2 - elder brother

traits - (and problem)
1. have a rather bad temper
2. owes a backside of debt
3. under alot of stress from mainly - work, debt, non supportive family, lack of personal space, feels tat he is not recognised and accepted for who he is
4.


character 3 - younger brother -ie. U, in this hypothetical question


situation

elder brother just got into work force no more than 15months, been working at a place where he dun realli like, but cant change cuz of lack of choices (plus he need the income to settle the bank loan for uni education). Trying hard to make his rather limited income counts, namely, church contribution, bank debts, house maintenance (rather forcefully enforced by the mother), self expenditure, and so on. This is already quite stress if not very stress. Added on to this, he could not exactly get any support from family members, except for his younger brother (which is not much of a help, but still better than nothing la). This makes the already almost intolerable life even worse, added on to this, both parents are adding pressure on him and implying tat he dunno how to manage his finances. (doing all this without putting themselves in his shoes). On top of that, the mother constantly make comments to bring down the elder bro self esteem/worth/value, etc.

on the side of the mother, she constantly hear from ppl (mainly aunties and others at her work place) wat their kids and children do, and will only see the better things and not the worse things tat her colleagues tell her. worse of, she (like the father) is not quite capable to differentiating what is a boast, and wat is factual. On top of tat, she had always been told tat the personality (by her ex husband) of the elder bro is the kind who will only take care of himself, etc etc , and this idea somehow got drilled in and she is always more difficult on the elder bro. Further more, as time goes by, the actions of the elder bro seems to confirm this idea of hers, and as a result, she become veri convinced tat she need to start considering her own future. To do this, she demanded maintenance from my bro, using various reasons whch will not be covered. this causes a lot of strain as the elder bro is trying hard to pay off his debt too.plus the attitude of the mum is not tat kind of supportive one u get in tv shows, it is more of those matriachal type, where it is more of a commanding tone.

from the younger bro point of view, he has been trying hard to buffer the impact the 2 of them have on each other for many years, but as he is going home less, he buffers less and less. and as times goes by, the relationship between the mother and the elder bro gets worse and worse. until now, it has escalated to the point whereby the elder bro has almost cracked... in fact he aredi have... and my mum become even more convince that her stand is correct and further refuse to listen. Add to the impression that she have, the impression tat the younger bro is gangin wth the elder bro to get her, she nows doesnt even consult the younger bro on much things. the younger bro now is at a lost, everytime he goes home, he ends up in a middle of a quarrel or after a quarrel. He brought up of having a heart to heart talk between elder bro and mum, but was kinda rejected. Deep down he oso realise tat this kinda heart to heart talk will most likely end up with him and his elder bro giving way to their mum, which will not solve the problem, only temporary put it off.

Apparently the only way to solve this problem is for the mum to take a step back first, if she do this, the stress on the elder bro will decline and he will be less defensive and more likely to give in (esp when u have a supportive family, ur threshold for stress will increase) The main reason why the other way wun work is because the problem is started from the seemingly excessive demand as well the opinion of the mother that the elder son is kinda useless.

Of cuz, this doesnt mean the brother is all correct, his actions are justifiable, but not acceptable. If we do not consider moral values or anything, his actions are infact quite correct, however, when morality sets in, it can be observe tat what he do and think is not exactly correct or desirable. He himself know this, but the stress he is putting up with prevents him from thinking otherwise, and this is veri bad. The younger brother knows if nothing is done, the result will be the same as when the mother and the father divorce.

SO, IF U ARE THE YOUNGER BROTHER, WHAT WILL YOU DO??? WHAT CAN YOU DO???

whew... this is hard....!

how i reminisce (if it is a the right word to use) my secondary school times

whew, recently was thinking of my sec sch times, those times were really the best... everyday go school, after school stay in school do work, help my frenz in their work.. after tat either play 1.street soccer 2. basket ball 3. run around loiter and after tat, always will play chess.. haha chinese chess with the ah peh...

those were the times, study no need care, cuz always do very well, play oso no need scared injured, cuz i am rubber man, super flexible, can jump, etc... well tat time stamina oso not bad.. can run whole day and dun feel the pinch at nite or even the next day... now... haha dun even dare to compare.. last time eat like pig, still look like a bamboo... now eating like a pig/dino, weight keeps going up, last time i measured, i was like... 68kg liddat... and the previous time i weigh was like.... 60kg... the spare tyre oso getting bigger le.. and i am onli going to swim once per week.. die le la, by the time i am 40, i think i am no longer a pig, but a hippopothemus... (spelling dono right anot)

>.<

describing myself in terms of D n D 3rd ed rules

Current status

Strength 14
Dexterity 16
Constitution 15
Intelligence 17
Wisdom 16
Charisma 12

Level : level drained
Class: Backside full of debt wizard (cuz need to study)

heh, juz something tat pop into my mind at this point of time, so juz add it.. lalala

the feeling of owing money everyday u wake up is not nice at all

TMD... everyday wake up somehow something will remind me... "Oi Ed, u still owe the BANK 20k, and an additional 2k for ur com! and dun forget, u need to give a fraction of ur income to ur mum and dad when u start work.. BETTER WAKE UP UR IDEA!!"

tat kinda feeling is not good.. not good at all.. everyday (ok, not everyday, but most of the days) wake up with tat feeling realli makes me feel lousy.. I tried to ignore it, but everytime i see my bro... tmd... i am reminded of the worst debt i am in... and the f-up environment i am living in... i wun term my parents as money suckers, i would juz say that they are feeling rather insecure.. but then, hey... i cant do anything abt it, can i?

recently feeling more and more emotionally deprived.. and sometime think i shd find someone to look after as well as to look after me, but everytime i tot of that.. i worry of my bleak future.. lol.... dunno shd get into relationship anot.. not to mention so far the relationship i got into, din come out nicely... but then, recently i did get to know someone who is actually nice to talk to.. and seemingly desirable (i definitely dono enuf to judge), however, how can 1 think of getting into a relationship when he/she doesnt even know whether he/she could/should get into 1.. meebe when i sort this out, will i be finally able to determine whether i should give chase anot.. but by then meebe ppl aredi attached (or meebe aredi even attached all along)... haiz.. aiya.. this kinda thing.. dun think so much better....

i think go think abt which IA company to go is more practical... earn more money, get out of this shit.. and life will get better.... i hope....

blardy hell, waste my time going home again...

today is my mum's bdae, and supposed to have some dinner de.. went home to celebrate with her, reach home onli to find tat she aredi bought some food... ask her go out she say she dun wan, throw tantrum say call us we never pick up (she call me at 4.40pm, i return 3 calls from 5pm-5.15pm, all never pick up, by 520, i aredi reach home) then say she too tired from carrying all the stuff she bought home, den dun wanna to even go downstairs to eat... no matter how i persuade her oso no use....

anyway, i could tell something wrong la, and i heard she sort of had a tiff with my bro.. again... -_-... and i believe she diliberately do this to make my bro feel guilty or something.. i am slowly slowly getting to the point of not being able to understand wat she is thinking, in fact.. even if i do, i realise i cant do anything anymore ... the both of them are like... stubborn mules.. and in fact i dun blame my bro for wat/how he feel... it is realli veri hard to be living like he is now.. which is something i will be going thru soon (perhaps not as bad, but similar definitely).

well, imagine a typical scenario, u are a poor scholar in the song or watever dynasty... u borrowed 2000bucks to go to capital to take exams, u managed to get a small ranking officer which yield u a monthly pay of 200bucks.. and ur mum, instead of asking u to finish paying ur debts first, started demanding maintenance from u, abt 20% lidat.. and sadly, u are a reglious guy who feel tat a portion (10%) of ur income shd goes to helping the needy.. minus away all the expenditure, u roughly onli have 30-50bucks per month which is given to the money lender. The best or worst part is, the lender is a loanshark who charges 12% interest, meaning u need to pay abt 240bucks per year as interest.. which means if the poor chap pays 40bucks per month (480 per year), he will take meebe 8-9years to repay the debt.. how wonderful...

damn it, dun feel like writing le.. stopping here le..